Meet Dad’s Fastest Swimmers.
Joseph Wheeler – The Lucky
Lucky is one of the few musicians you will meet who has written more songs than he’s heard.
He strongly believes that only narcissists and ego maniacs write songs about their own personal experiences. Which is why he only ever writes songs about his friend Tim. The rest of the band are yet to meet Tim but are quietly confident they will hate his guts if he’s anything like Lucky.
Voted most likely to get kicked out of any band/solo project for creative differences (Drug abuse).
“What most people don’t understand is that songs were only ever meant to have 4 chords at max. Sometimes people come to me for songwriting advice and they tell me they have a song with 6 chords and I stop them right there and say ‘no you’ve got 2 seperate 3 chord songs’ and then they begin to understand what music is meant to be. Simple as ABC and as catchy as syphilis.”
Amy Crow – The Talent
“My mum keep heckling me to leave the house and hang out with people instead of cats. I’m not really into ‘music’ as such but being part of Dad’s Fastest Swimmers has allowed me to drink copious amounts of red wine without being judged. So I guess there’s that.”
Tyler Hood – The Gap Filler
“I used to play in this band called ‘Satan’s Soggy Sayos’. It was a barber shop quartet that drew inspiration from Drake’s early work. Pretty cool right? Anyway after our first gig they got me drunk and stole my kidney. I’m hoping Dad’s Fastest Swimmers is different because I only have one kidney left.”
Darcy Boyd – The King
“I suffer from an acute and severe form of FOMO which has plagued my very existence for the last 20+ years. So when I found out that my friends were in a band called Dad’s Fastest Swimmers I immediately signed up for a 12 week accelerated guitar course to avoid missing out. 3 Months and $6,500 later I found out there were already 6 guitarists in the band and that if I wanted to be in the band I would have to learn the kazoo or French Horn. I’m currently 3 weeks into the accelerated kazoo course and my teacher says I’m not like the other kids. So I guess you could say everything is falling into place.”
Nick Reynolds – The Sunsafe
Sunsafe woke up at 701 in the middle of a band practice after a party the night before. Someone handed them a mandolin and a G&T and it’s been too awkward to discuss it any further.
“I had this dream once where I was fighting nazi Ewoks on naboo and I was like hang on a second…ewoks are from endor not naboo. So now I avoid eating cheese after 6pm because I can’t deal with that level of crazy. Wait what was the question?”
Michael Waye – The Whimaway
Unlike the majority of inner city, male, musicians Whimaway was actually raised by elephants. It’s because of this childhood that he feels such a close connection with both the early work of Phil Collins and the later work of Rusted Root.
“When Lucky first asked me to join Dad’s Fastest Swimmers I said no out of a mixture of principles and self respect. A few days later I remembered that I don’t have either of those things and I haven’t missed a band practice since.”
“This is by far the most successful production I’ve taken part in and we haven’t played a gig yet”
A few months prior to joining Dad’s Fastest Swimmers, Whimaway auditioned to be in the Australian Rock band “Adhesive Hands” but unfortunately his views were too progressive and they already had too many guys with Moustaches.
Adele Todd – The Tassles
Tassels is most definitely the ‘bad girl’ of the group having been in over 18 bar fights this year. The other members take it in turns to post bail however they do have some concerns about how Tassels’ criminal record will affect the upcoming international tours.
“You ever seen a man die from a kale overdose? Me either, but I’m confident if I’m ever going to see it it’s going to be on tour with these inner city tossers.”
Claudia Piggott – Captain OJ
Captain OJ spent most of her life on the seas as a Captain of a citrus fishing boat.
“Mangoes, Lemons, Limes, Nectarines, we’d catch them all. But the real prize catch for me was always the Orange. What a marvel for any fisherman.”
Although Captain OJ is the only member of the band with any real experience on the seas, she likes to think there is a little seamen in all of them just trying to come out.
“I caught an avocado once, chucked it straight back. More trouble than they’re worth. Seen too many young souls lose their minds & house deposits to those things.”